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Dec. 17th, 2002

orinoco77: (Default)
I would probably have thought this impossible as a child, but I think I'm terminally bored. There is absolutely fuck all in my life that provides what could be described as "excitement". My job is about as thrilling as watching paint dry and I have absolutely no interest in it. I can't believe that people actually do it for fun. Every time I actually complete a site I know I've just set myself up for another potential attack on either a) my design, b) my programming skills, c) my ethics or d) myself. What is the point? I do this for the money, I don't give a shit whose site I'm designing. I don't even care if it looks good, it's just pound signs at the end of the day.

But I should care, shouldn't I? I should want to do the best I can and be recognised for my skills. Everybody else seems to. What makes me different? What makes me just want to live my life, without caring about what anyone else thinks, without worrying about belonging to a profession, a peer group, a nation? I'm not a web designer, I'm a person. I'm not a computer nerd or a philosopher either. I'm just me. Why is everyone else so different?

What is it about what they do, how they live, that makes them feel like doing it? Above and beyond the basic necessities, practices and traditions of human life, what makes their lives worth living? Is it something I don't have? Is it something I can't get? Or is it perhaps something I don't want?

Maybe I was supposed to be something else. Not human. Maybe a dog or something. I don't know. The whole concept of a human life seems alien. A job, a family, a bricks and mortar home, a 24 hour day broken into 3 equal parts of sleep, work and something else. We've turned ourselves into machines. We clock in when we wake up and we don't stop again until we go to sleep. Just being human is a job in itself. We have responsibilities and expectations, roles and relationships imposed on us by tradition, civilisation, dogma. Why? What's wrong with waking up in the morning, clambering out from under your bearskin and going out to hunt something that you can eat, just for you, no ties, nobody to be beholden to, no rules except "survive until it's time to start again". When did the human race become co-dependent? When did we become so reliant on the structure we built around us that it took over? And when did it really start crushing the life out of us?

Maybe the problem is choice. Too much choice. Do I have toast or cereal for breakfast? Do I take the back way to work or do I fight through the traffic? Do I fire up mIRC when I get in, or do I make a serious attempt at doing some work? All those decisions, and those are the trivial ones. That's got to produce stress. Too many thoughts. The pleasure principle, the id, is telling us to get what we can. Take what we want. Have and enjoy. Except we can't. The path is too convoluted. We've made it too hard. To get food, you have to get a job. To get a job you have to go to school. When you're in school you have to conform. You have to learn what everyone else learns, because that's how it works. So you know a whole bunch of stuff. You can have any job. Which one do you want? There's one that pays well, but the hours are crap and the job is tough. There's one that's easy but the pay is lousy. Which one do you choose? You've lived maybe 21 years, learned a lot of different subjects and got to a point where someone will pay you for your expertise, and all you wanted was a hamburger for dinner. Doesn't sound like a fair trade to me. A lot of wasted energy. Wasted thoughts. Wasted time. Wasted life. All so you can have food on the table each night and sleep in a warm bed. All that crap doesn't even cover a mate! No, shagging is extra work!

I remember seeing a documentary a while back, about a guy who bought himself a Scottish island and lived there alone. He just had a loincloth type thing. He's still there, running around his little island, killing things to eat, then going to sleep in a cave, or under a rock, or maybe just on the ground. Sometimes I envy him. What a simple life.

God I'll be glad to wake up tomorrow and not have to come here. And I'm turning the pissing phone off too.
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