copying Julie and I don't care

5 Questions 1. What was the last song you heard?
Early One Morning, as sung by James Marsters (and now the damn thing is stuck in my head)

2. What were the last two movies you saw?
The Ring (excellent but really creepy) and Daredevil (superheros rock).

3. What were the last three things you purchased?
An incredibly expensive pair of boots that still haven't arrived (*mutter*), a tube of eczema cream (again ridiculously expensive, *sigh*), and 4 candles (the Two Ronnies anybody?).

4. What four things do you need to do this weekend?
Make sure I don't forget to eat, wash my work clothes, get ludicrously drunk and clean the flat, not necessarily in that order.

5. Who are the last five people you talked to?
Nicola, Nige, Kate, Helen and Jeff.

Girls. What on earth are they all about?

Went out for lunch with Nicola today. Had a great time. Showed her the flat as she's not seen it yet. As with everyone else so far, she was quite impressed. I guess my friends didn't really expect me to have taste and discernment. It might have helped if I hadn't been quite so stifled at home. There's only so much you can do with a back bedroom that you're not allowed to decorate yourself. They may change their minds when they see the more outlandish plans I have for this place. I don't expect them to understand the alchemical symbols I'm going to stencil on the walls, but I expect them to be royally freaked when I get around to buying Mulder (the carved, celtic skull I've promised myself). Once I've got a bookcase in my bedroom and I've moved all the pulp, trashy paperbacks into that, I suspect there's going to be a good deal more concern over my taste in reading materials too. There can't be that many people out there who have copies of "A Brief History of Time", "Kant's Critique of Pure Reason" and "The Necronomicon" on the same bookshelf. Mmmm...eclectic.

Hmm...I've got somewhat off the track there. I was going to talk about Nic more. In short, dear journal, I used to fancy her, in the purely physical sense. Don't get me wrong, I love her to bits, but she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer. She's not had too good of a time of it recently. Her sister got divorced and has basically been hanging around her ever since, like an exceptionally badly behaved, but clingy puppy. She's not had a real relationship in about the same length of time as me, which makes her exceptionally sad. I'm about the only person she talks to outside of work now, which makes me feel rather honour bound to do whatever I can to make her feel better. In essence this means that whenever possible, we go out together and have a laugh, or she rings me, or I email her, whatever. It's all the sort of stuff you'd do with your girlfriend (in my conception of what a relationship should be anyway. I know I'm horribly old-fashioned, but it's really not all about sex, as far as I'm concerned). We've been mistaken for a couple on more occasions than I'd care to name. (Bear with me, we're getting to the crux of it now) Now she wants us to go on holiday. I'm all for this, in principle, but I'm not sure how it would pan out. It's all too confusing. I'm more than a little perturbed about what everyone else will think of this. You don't normally go on holiday with just one mate, still less when that mate is someone of the opposite sex, and yet less when you'd actually like to attempt the horizontal mambo with said amigo. It's too weird, isn't it? I'd love to do it, I'm sure we'd have a great time, but there are too many "if"s. What if she meets someone while we're out there, even for a fling? What if I do (yeah, right)? What if we do end up together? As I said, I find her physically attractive, but I'm not looking for a relationship with her, it would be catastrophic. So what do I do? How do I pull myself out of this, while maintaining my dignity and my friendship and still manage to help her out?

The worst part about it is, I've done all this before, twice. Not the exact same circumstances, because that would be too freaky, but I've done the whole "Best friend++" thing, if you see what I'm getting at. I damn near married the last one.

How do I manage to get this male/female relationship thing so badly wrong every damn time? How do I manage to come off as a "good guy", but not "the guy"? How do I manage to come off as a "good guy" when all I'm looking to be is a "friend" (wherever that particular line is drawn)? This time I've even admitted to myself that the situation I'm in is ridiculous and unworkable, but I'm still doing it. I don't love her, I do fancy her, but not enough to make me try anything, and I'm still bending over backwards and worrying like a fool. The guy with absurd haircut in Green Day is right, nice guys do finish last. I already know that bastards as a rule finish first. It's all just a question of how far down the scale I can force myself, I guess. *sigh*

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